I related so well to what Paul said in 2 Corinthians:
“We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed.”
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
I was aware that Satan’s attempt to destroy my faith was a battle in full force. God even gave me a dream in the hospital when Alvis had his second surgery.
In this dream, I was pinned up against a wall, with two women throwing what appeared to be some type of spear at me. In the dream, I was so frightened and believed it would hurt terribly as the spears hit my hands, but they were only allowed to separate my fingers. Later, a third woman appeared, and she said, “I told you not to destroy her that way.” When I awakened, I believed God was showing me Satan’s war tactics, and that Satan was going to try to kill Alvis. I said, “devil, give it your best shot; we will win this battle.” Later I was to understand what I believe God was saying.
Soon I was to go in for my yearly checkup. I noticed some type of lump in my breast and felt I should get it checked. The sonogram revealed an abnormality that they weren’t sure of, so they wanted to watch it carefully over the next three months. I had no fear; I had been through so much—what was one more battle. In time, it proved to be only a cyst, so I believe the dream revealed initially the attack to be against my body, but Satan said no that he would destroy my faith upon Alvis’ death.
Indeed the battle was intense upon his death—so many questions. How did we fail when Alvis memorized eight type-written pages of healing Scriptures; we spoke the Word, we prayed the Word, we repented and renounced any and all words negatively spoken in fear. I felt I understood how to fight in spiritual warfare—I had had twelve years of training. So, Lord, what happened? I still don’t have all the answers, but I believe “obedience” could be the key. Alvis and I both knew that God had shown him things that needed to be changed and areas where he had not come into obedience. So I believe perhaps there were “conditions” required by the Lord that were not quite met, and only Alvis knew for sure.